My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
