im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
