you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
