Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
