I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
