True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
