so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
