Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize