I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Randomize
