Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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