I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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