i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
