I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
