Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
