He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
