this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
