My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
