remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
