wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
