What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm getting married
To pizza
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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