My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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