i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
