Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
