I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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