just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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