We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
