dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
try to milk me bitch
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