sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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