The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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