i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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