You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
tonight lets celebrate not being married
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
