Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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