the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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