I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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