So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
