***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
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