Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
He shit in the fireplace
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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