Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
