if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
