I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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