yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
