I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Can you repeat that, but with context?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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