I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
