then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
