oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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