My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
