I'm pants shitting drunk right now
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
