I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
