my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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