don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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