yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
50% drunk capacity currently
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
