i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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