Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
