My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
