A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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