He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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