that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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