I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
