Just took my morning after pill in the library
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
