im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
