I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
