You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Randomize
