You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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