I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Banned from zoo.
Again?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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