I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
