Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
