just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
