You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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