Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
