I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
