my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize