I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
