She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
