so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
