if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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